Jeremy Greenberg: Come for the Jokes, Stay for the SeaArk
Jan 12 2010
Today was the most fun I’ve ever had on zero hours of sleep. Yes, zero. I am not exaggerating; the jet lag is really kicking our butts. In fact, when our escort arrived, one of the comedians was dead asleep in his room and had to be phoned. But he was glad we woke him, because what we were about to do would make all the jet lag worth it.
They took us over to Kuwait Naval Base, which basically looks like a failing Nevada strip mall. It was one of the bases that Iraq invaded, and one would think that they simply decided not to rebuild. There’s also an American base within Kuwait Naval Base, Camp Patriot, and that’s where we were headed.
After a quick meet-and-greet with the military leadership, we were taken out on a SeaArk boat. These are basically super fast, powerful speedboats, with big, awesome guns on them. And we got to drive them! After driving us out there and showing us how to go fast and turn, we each took turns pretending that we were off the coast of Miami about to take down some Columbian cocaine dealers.
We returned to dock, and then posed for photos as though we were firing the guns. And I was loving it, until a small creeping internal voice (probably implanted by my wife) asked, “Is it cool to like weapons?”
True, those guns kill people. And I wouldn’t have the same admiration for a bottle of poison. But after thinking about it for a while I came to the conclusion that, “yes” it is perfectly acceptable to love guns. It’s no different than loving a cell phone. It’s a fantastic piece of human-made technology. It’s necessary for securing the safety of innocent people. And, it is totally powerful and awesome. I have the same admiration for guns that I have for a clever new app for my phone.
The final squash of any gun-love guilt came when we visited “The Wall of death.” This is a cement wall where Saddam’s men lined up Kuwaitis and executed them back in the 1990 invasion. The fence is pockmarked with bullet holes. When the sadness strikes you, as you imagine those people being lined up and shot, you stop and ask yourself, “What the hell can stop such brutality?” and then you remember the answer: SeaArk gun boats.
The first show started about an hour later, outside, on a makeshift stage and gathered benches for seating. We had a good turnout and the audience was one of the best I’ve had during a Middle East tour. That may have something to do with the fact that there’s no alcohol on base. It’s amazing how attentive an audience is if they aren’t blind drunk.
Tomorrow is when it really gets rolling. I’ve got to be up at 0500 to go to Iraq, and I’m beyond exhausted. I’m going to be flying in something called a C130.
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Jeremy Greenberg has written for Geek Monthly, Pregnancy Magazine and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin). He is the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel). When Jeremy’s not writing, he’s managing the development of his twin, toddler sons, agreeing with his overworked and underappreciated wife, or dodging phone calls from his weird and obnoxious relatives. Learn more at www.relativediscomfort.com
