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If you were to ask my wife or my friends if I have an ego, they’d probably say yes. I’m a good guy, but many comedians have fragile yet inflated egos, and often need that personality trait to be successful on stage. But I learned today that no matter how important I might think I am, it will never compare to Saddam’s view of himself.

He had something like ninety palaces built around Iraq just to celebrate being Saddam. All of them were solely his for spending time with his family, entertaining dignitaries, or ordering the mass murder of innocent people—whatever he felt like doing that day. We visited one called the Victory over Iran/Victory over America Palace. Saddam considered any war in which he wasn’t killed to be a victory. If we had killed every single one of his countrymen, all of his family, and his pet goldfish, but he lived—that would be reason enough for Saddam to build a palace.

I’m not sure if any of you have ever been in a palace. Most people in America have seen mansions. We all know of rich neighborhoods, with big houses. Well, a palace is basically a house the size of a shopping mall. It’s insanely big. I would have no problem if Bill Gates built a palace. He created a company and software and in many ways revolutionized the modern world. But Saddam robbed his people. There were nine pipes that siphoned water into the region from the Tigris River, and all but one of them flow into his personal lakes. Farmers would be starving and their land dying, and Saddam would be swimming in filtered water. It’s not news, but Saddam Hussein was a jerk. We did a good thing by taking him out.

Tonight, following the palace tours we didn’t have a show, but were instead asked to judge a talent show. The main thing I took away from the night’s event is that it’s very hard to be entertaining with an M-16 slung across your back.

It’s tough to laugh at your jokes if I know you can put a bullet in my head. But that’s not say that there weren’t a few funny soldiers, and some very talented singers. I was actually impressed by a few of the entrants. And the ones who were bad we simply made fun of to the delight of the audience.

Fortunately, the show didn’t stretch too long. I can honestly say that I’ve never been this exhausted in my life. When we’re not doing shows we’re on tours, and when we’re not on tours we’re eating. Combine that with the still nagging jet lag and it’s a miracle I’m functioning at all. This actually gives me even more respect for those in active duty who have to fly into their host country and immediately get to work. I’m the walking dead.

Tomorrow we’re going to meet General Odierno, the man who currently runs Iraq—and then we have a show for some top brass. So, I’m going to pray I sleep through the night.

The Victory Over America Palace, or what's left of it

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Jeremy Greenberg has written for Geek Monthly, Pregnancy Magazine and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin). He is the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel). When Jeremy’s not writing, he’s managing the development of his twin, toddler sons, agreeing with his overworked and underappreciated wife, or dodging phone calls from his weird and obnoxious relatives. Learn more at www.relativediscomfort.com

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