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Comedians can be unknowingly selfish about what they get to do when visiting bases in Iraq. Some of these soldiers have been away from their families for so long that their kids think Daddy is the guy who lives inside the “Skype.” But we show up wanting to go to the firing range, ride in helicopters, sightsee, etc. We have been hired to entertain, and we show up hoping to be entertained. It’s a bit like FEMA pulling into New Orleans following Katrina and asking where they can get a good Banana’s Foster.

But nonetheless, it is always amazing when we get to do something that most civilians rarely experience. Today we had the amazing opportunity to ride in tanks. For those who have never had the privilege, it’s a bit like flying over hills in a three-wheeler powered by a jet engine, with a cannon mounted on it. It was a little slice of heaven—if heaven were capable of driving over trees and leveling buildings. It was so much fun, that if there ever is peace on earth, amusement parks should buy up the tanks and sell rides.

Later that day we visited the hospital and the Medevac team. The Medevac team can never leave their posts, and so we tried to bring a bit of our show to them. It’s very challenging to do impromptu comedy. Most of my jokes are elaborate well-woven bits, and it’s unnatural and awkward to try to bust them out away from a performance space. This is true for many comedians and the reason why we often politely dodge requests to “tell me a joke.” The Medevac team seemed happy to simply have visitors they didn’t have to revive, and although we didn’t provide any gut-busting laughter, we did have an enjoyable visit.

But that evening, we had a chance to rock the house. It was a packed theater, and easily the best show of the tour. It was also the first time I’ve had to be briefed on what to do if “incoming” occurs during my show. Every comedian has had shows where they’ve bombed, but I feel like I’m part of the brave few who can actually say that while on stage there was a chance they could be bombed. Fortunately, the only thing that shook the base was the sound of soldiers’ laughter. As I mentioned in an earlier post, Delta was in need of some fun, and I’m proud to report that we delivered.

Tomorrow begins our long journey home. We’ll fly from Al Kut (COB Delta) to (Ali Al Salem) Kuwait, and then switch to a commercial flight back to the States. As always, I feel fortunate to do these shows for my compatriots. It was certainly a different vibe on these bases than in years past. COB Delta is to be given to the Iraqis in December, 2011.

Life is changing in the region, and by extension life will be changing for the men and women of the armed forces. But our soldiers are strong, good people. No matter if they take different assignments in the military, or enter the civilian workforce, I believe that the work they’ve done in Iraq will prove a blessing to them all.

Thanks again for joining me on my journeys, and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!
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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

They’ve promised us that we’re leaving tomorrow morning. We shook our heads (in agreement) and got back in our escort’s truck to return to the barracks. I will say that we are staying in some relatively nice digs. There is a nice lounge, a good gym, and Sri Lankan chefs always at the ready to make you a delicious salad, sandwich, or omelet.

They asked us to do a show at this location, and we’re happy to oblige. No matter where we are, if there are soldiers away from their families, we will do a show for them. At this point our itinerary is wherever we are.

This was by far the smallest audience we’d had. The past two shows had at least a thousand people in attendance every night. The DFACS at which we were performing were packed. This show was performed on a dance floor that we were sharing with a precocious Christmas tree, in front of about twenty people—most of whom had come to know us on a first-name basis during the past few days.

And surprisingly, it was one of the best shows I’ve ever done for soldiers. When the audience is small, it is usually very tough. Laughter has a strong group psychology component to it. It’s a mob action. And laughter is contagious, so a big room with people laughing actually makes the show better and more intense for the audience.

However, occasionally with a small show, you’ll get to connect on a really deep level. Jokes are always funny, of course. But when you’re making fun of the spindly trees trying to stay alive in the middle of Northern Iraq, and you can see each face as it lights up, connect, and laugh at your subject matter, it’s almost spiritual. Yes, it can be hilarious and spiritual.

And the audience were also good laughers. That helps a lot. Of course, it’s typically easier to be a good laugher when you don’t get too much to laugh at. We even had about five TCN (Third Country Nationals) at the show, mostly from Nepal and Sri Lanka, who watched the show and laughed heartily. I’m not sure how thoroughly they understood the jokes, but they knew they were jokes, and I was happy that we were able to lighten their loads as well.

Like the Ugandans mentioned in the earlier blog, these contractors also spend years away from their families. I’m not sure if they get Sri Lankan or Nepali entertainment, but I was happy to bring smiles to everyone in the room. I’m betting my omelet tomorrow morning is going to be extra delicious.

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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

Today the wind blew in the right direction for us, and we were finally able to hop a C130 out of COB Speicher (which is the “base to be named later” from the one of the earlier entries—apparently now it’s okay to tell you where I was, and where I am). We landed at COB Delta (a.k.a. Al Kut). We were supposed to go back up to Kuwait, and then down to Basra. But we were supposed to do a lot of things. The sandstorm had other plans for us.

Delta is the base every civilian needs to see to really know about the sacrifices these soldiers make. It has a very Lord of the Flies feel. The entire base seems like a football team whose coach just quit, but they’ve still got to play seven more games. The men and women of Delta seem splayed with a double anxiety that I have not sensed at any other installment.

First is the proximity to REAL danger. There have been casualties here recently. “Incoming” is not uncommon. If you’re ever back in the states, and you meet someone who was stationed at Delta, buy him or her a drink. They deserve it! And secondly, as tough as being a soldier might be, it can be even more daunting to face the threat of being unemployed. And for many of the service men and women, the troop drawdown is nothing more than a massive layoff. Although, one troop darkly joked to me that, “I ain’t worried if they shut this base and I’m out of a job. I think we’ve got that North Korea stimulus package coming.”

We were also told that we could not be here at a better time. Some places want a comedy show. If feels like Delta needs one. We will be happy to oblige.

After a brief meal at the DFAC, we were taken to our CHUs (which I think stands for Container Housing Units). It’s basically another shipping container/trailer type of setup. I know that we want the Middle East to become more democratic and adopt American values. And while we are probably not actively trying to remake Iraq in our nation’s image, we have succeeded in turning large swaths of this country into gigantic trailer parks. If Iraqis from Al Kut ever visit the U.S. and happen to catch an episode of Cops, they’ll probably get homesick.

But it’s amazing how quickly we’ve adapted to living in these Spartan conditions. On my last trip we stayed in Saddam’s palace. This time, not having to trudge through mud in the middle of the night to use the restroom is considered a luxury.

But when you’re as tired as we are, a bed is a bed. We all turned in for some well-needed rest. Tomorrow we are scheduled for some meet-and-greets, tank rides, and at night we will give these troops the show of their lives.

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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

So, guess what? We wake up this morning to learn that the plan is now to put us on a C130 and fly us back to Kuwait. From there, we’ll then be sent to other bases. They’re tired of waiting for the Blackhawks. But no sooner are we told this than we learn that Kuwait is now under a sand storm, and we won’t be leaving until this evening. Apparently the daily sand storms are also on our itinerary.

Fine. Cool. We’ve done two shows at this base, people are recognizing us, and I’ll do a third if they want. I’m here for them. But I would like to really get to where I am going.

Today our security detail takes us to the MWR facility to relax for a portion of the day. MWR stands for Morale, Welfare, and Recreation. It’s basically a building with pool tables, big screen TVs and video games. And guarding this top secret, mission critical building are Ugandan security guards.

Now, when most people back in the States think of a security guard, they might imagine a portly wannabe police officer strolling around a mall telling teenagers not to play on the escalators. Well, these Ugandan contracted security guards are anything but that. They might be the people who are the most serious about their jobs on the entire base!

We have very clear orders that allow us access to all DFAC and MWR facilities. And we have our passports. AND we have escorts. And if more evidence of our identities should be required, our faces are plastered on posters all over the base. But that didn’t stop the Ugandan security from double checking our orders, calling over their bosses, wanding me with a metal detector thingy, and then having a group huddle.

Finally, they decided that three disheveled comedians were no threat to the pool tables and video games housed inside the MWR building. (I should also add that the Ugandan security guards also man the DFACS, and are equally as thorough there.)

This may sound like a bit of a gripe. And it is. But I also want to say that those Ugandans do an EXCELLENT job. Sure, they might be a little overzealous about keeping the potato salad safe from unauthorized personnel. But it’s also obvious that it’s a big opportunity for these men and women to work with us. And I think some Americans could learn a thing or two about the meticulous job done by the Ugandan contractors.

If local suburban malls were policed by Ugandan security guards, there would probably be a stockade right next to the place where kids come to take their pictures with Santa. And they’d keep a few teenagers in there just to serve as an example of what happens when you play on the escalator.

Although I was annoyed at the time by the Ugandan’s refusal to just let me walk into the MWR, in retrospect I’m glad they take their job seriously. Sometimes being safe means not being afraid to annoy people. And with regard to that, the Ugandans are fearless.
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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

Weather has again changed our plans. But at least we’re in good company. The New York Giants and the Minnesota Vikings had to move their game to Detroit after a brutal snowstorm burst a hole in the top of the Minneapolis Metrodome, turning the once domed stadium into a gigantic snow globe.

As I watched the video of the Metrodome roof ripping open, I was again reminded that Mother Nature is still the ultimate travel agent. And she has decided that we too should alter our plans, and spend another day and night in “Wherever We Are,” Iraq.

I’m actually okay with it because this is a relatively big base, and I think the people here could very much use another show.

But we had to do something with our day now that it would not be spent in travel. Our security detail decided that we should spend the day shopping at the base bazaar and PX/BX. Now, anyone who has ever been to this part of the world knows that it is considered rude not to leave without purchasing at least one likeness of a camel. Fortunately, the bazaar had camel choices for the whole family.

I actually have five people on my camel Christmas shopping list. First is my dad. He will appreciate something that is a humorous if not gentle mockery of the local culture. For him, I’m thinking about going with a small plush camel that lets out a “lalalalalalalala” when you squeeze it. My dad can put that on his desk at work as a conversation starter/finisher.

For my sons, I’m also thinking about going with plush camels, but rather than ones that belt out any kind of a cheer or war cry, I’m hoping to get ones with pronounced humps. I think it will be fascinating for them to learn how these animals store their water. I can explain that camels come with built-in sippy cups, and continue to expand their knowledge of the natural world.

On my last trip, I got my wife a wooden camel that had an even smaller wooden camel rattling around in its camel belly. It’s sort of like those Russian nesting dolls, except they’re camels. My wife loved it so much that she put it on the highest shelf in the office, so no one else would covet it. But since that was more of a decorative camel, this time I think I’ll bring my wife a more functional metal camel that can be used as a paperweight. She’ll like that.

And finally, I’m thinking that if I can afford it, I’m going to buy my mother-in-law a giant, three-foot-high pewter camel, mostly as a test of her loyalty. I actually have a wonderful mother-in-law who follows proper etiquette as gospel. Any gift must be displayed for all to see. And more than anything, I want to see where in her house she’ll put a camel the size of a child’s rocking horse.

I must say that, although I’m not getting to jet set around Iraq as much as I have on other tours (yet), being stationary is really allowing me to experience an important part of a soldier’s life: the ability to wait. Tonight at 1800 we’ll again be performing in the south DFAC. And after the show we’ll be happy to autograph any camels.
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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

Last night, at an Iraqi base to be named later (for security purposes), we did our second show. It took place in a DFAC. DFAC is an abbreviation for Dining Facility, and they appear to be the lifeblood of any base.

It was a great idea to have the show in the DFAC because we had a built-in audience of a thousand people who had no idea that, along with their Sri Lankan fried chicken, they’d also be treated to a show. It’s like we were performing dinner theater, except we didn’t have to roam around and take anyone’s order.

I am also happy to report that this base had a relatively well stocked DFAC. This is important, because not all DFACS are created equal. They all have good salad bars, but from there they can range widely. A good DFAC will have a complete dessert bar with cake, ice cream and pie. Since there isn’t alcohol allowed in Iraq and Kuwait, ice cream is the intoxicant of choice. I’ve heard one soldier tell me that the common saying, at least back in Kuwait is, “You will leave Arifjan either weighing three hundred pounds or lifting three hundred pounds.” That is, you will either blow off steam exercising, or eating. In my travels, I have opted for the gym. But I must admit that there have been times, even on my comedy tours, when I’ve stepped up to the ice cream bar.

But the crown jewel of any DFAC is if they have a stock of Rip It energy drinks. I am somewhat of an energy drink connoisseur. I have two young kids and work long hours, so I appreciate any beverage that helps me power through the day. I have had everything from Red Bull to Monster to Rock Star, and there is absolutely NOTHING that compares with the Rip It energy drinks. I’m not sure if they’re sold in stores. I certainly have never seen them on the west coast.

I’m assuming they’re FDA approved, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were manufactured in Colombia. One six ounce Rip It will give me enough energy to get through a day on two hours of sleep. I’m quite sure that when Ponce De Leon traveled to Florida to find the fountain of youth, what he was really looking for was a six pack of Rip Its. In short, they’re totally awesome.

On my tour last year, the Rip Its flowed like milk and honey. Not so much on this tour. When I asked one of our contacts where all of the Rip Its went, he said they’ve been having a shortage. It was even hinted that an underground Rip It black market may have evolved. Of course, that’s an exaggeration. But with the troop withdrawal, they have also decreased the supply of Rip Its. That’s to be expected.

The most important thing is that we had enough energy to deliver an awesome show to some very deserving soldiers who are stationed in a place so flat and desolate that it makes Texas look scenic by comparison.

Right now, weather has delayed our travels. It’s rumored that later today we’ll be able to jump a Blackhawk to the next F.O.B.

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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

Today began with meets and greets of various head honchos. Please forgive me if I don’t recall the specific name of the honcho, or for what group they were the heads. But both of the people we met with were very senor in rank, and wanted to spend some time teaching us about Camp Arifjan and LSA Ali Al Salem respectively.

Each of the leaders spent about an hour talking to us about the base and its functions. Obviously it was the unclassified version, and had about as much internal operational depth as a guided tour of a zoo. But it was still fascinating, and truly impressive to learn what these bases do. Civilians just don’t realize how much work goes into getting a tank ready to be sent back home.

At the end, they give us each a really nice coin, and a plaque certificate thanking us for our service. Comedians actually appreciate these more than people might realize. Compared with our brothers and sisters who build homes, or work as accountants, engineers, or doctors; comedians can often feel like they contribute very little to society. The plaque, coin, and “thank you” really remind us that the laughter we provide has a truly restorative effect on a soldier’s soul.

The show that night was at LSA Ali Al Salem. It’s a ninety minute drive from Arifjan to Ali Al Salem, but it would be a thirty minute drive if they removed the ten thousand speed bumps leading to and from each base. Even though we felt like we were going through some sort of NASA “don’t get nauseous” training, we were very happy to be out of the joint barracks at Arifjan. Tonight we would each have our very own furnished shipping containers to call home. And, we had Internet in the rooms/containers.

One of the many things I take for granted back home is the ease of finding a hotspot. But discovering wifi in the Middle East is no less exhilarating than striking oil-and there’s the added benefit that hostile neighbors can’t drill into the wifi signal at an angle and steal the connection.

The stage for our show was set up nicely. Occasionally these smaller bases don’t have great facilities. But LSA had a nice stage and good stadium seating. And most importantly, the sound was good. Bases can be noisy, with generators blaring in the background. After eating Asian stir-fry at the DFAC (Dining facility-more on that later), we went to the show. It’s always nice when your first show goes well and is a lot of fun. Our audience was good, easy to engage, and the night was a blast.

But now we’re all exhausted, and are hoping we can convince our bodies that it is nighttime, despite the fact that my computer is still telling me it’s 11 AM back in California. Tomorrow we fly to Iraq. And as many of you know, when you’re waiting six hours to board a C130, there’s never a dull moment.
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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

Today began with a remarkably uneventful C130 ride from Kuwait to a camp in Iraq. Normally, there are delays or other crazy drama that I can share about a high-stress activity like military transport flying. But because that part of the equation was removed, I was able to notice something much more valuable. While waiting for our flight to board, I think I may have uncovered the U.S. Military’s true secret weapon: the ability to talk trash to one another.

Our military is the best in the world at so many things, but one of the things our young men and women in uniform do not get enough credit for is their trash talking abilities. And of course, by that I mean their ability to razz and make fun of each other.

I happened to be near a group of soldiers, both men and women, who seemed to have intimate knowledge of each others respective mothers. And, I also learned that the every football team from every one of these soldiers’ hometowns “sucked”-regardless of their actual record. And it was also made clear that soldier also “sucked” by association.

I don’t think civilians realize how important it is for our military personnel to be good at talking smack. Most civilians will occasionally talk a little trash if, say, they win their fantasy football league. The soldiers I overheard had taken it to a whole new level, leading me to believe that there is some rigorous part of basic training that must focus on developing military grade trash talking abilities.

I would imagine it is at least a day-long seminar to figure out which person is physically inadequate in any certain area, which person is overabundant, and so on. Also, I’m guessing somewhere early in a soldier’s training he is given his nickname.

From what I can tell, the system of assigning nicknames is driven by geography. All Texans are to be known as “Tex.” “Brooklyn” is typically from someone from Brooklyn, but occasionally that can cover anyone from New York. If the C.O. is from the South, he may even call someone from Boston “Brooklyn,” because to him it’s all the same. Anyone from Southern California is to be called “Hollywood.” Never mind that the entertainment industry is just one small part of a region that has many high tech and construction jobs. If you’re from anywhere in California south of Fresno, your name is “Hollywood.” And anyone who is from a small town is nicknamed “Tumbleweed.”

Occasionally, a soldier’s nickname will be assigned not by geography, but from some physical characteristic. Anyone nicknamed “Skinny” usually isn’t. And some soldiers will earn a nickname through a distinctive act that has brought him or her notoriety. For example, someone known as “Backwards Britches” will more than likely have learned a valuable lesson about why one shouldn’t get dressed in the dark.

I actually think that this sort of trash talking is really just an elaborate, ongoing team building exercise. People come together from all parts of the U.S. and must learn to work as a team, to trust each other. Breaking each other down a bit brings them all closer. I think the private sector can learn from this, and I hope there comes a day when the first action of any new employee at a company is to greet the CEO, and then talk about his or her mother.

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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

Soldiers don’t get enough acknowledgment for all of their sacrifices. I mean, sure, we know about the major ones, such as being away from family and putting themselves in harm’s way. But I wish more people back in the States knew what it was like to make the sacrifice of sleeping in group barracks.

Normally, entertainers are given their own rooms. But when we arrived in Kuwait, for whatever reason they were out of private rooms. We were told we’d be staying in one of the “bays,” and were sent to a desk to present our orders and sign for our bedding.

And while the bedding was certainly adequately clean and comfortable, there was really no reason to track its whereabouts. No one will be stealing these sheets. The bedding was so basic, I would have to imagine that even ancient Spartans would take a look at them and ask if they didn’t have something with a bit of a higher thread count. And the blanket they issued was certainly cozy, but it looked like whoever was in charge of procurement decided to forgo the Linens ‘n Things catalogue, and instead buy a bunch of airbrushed blankets from a van parked on the side of a gas station. They were comfy, but funkier looking than one might expect for military issue.

But it’s a good thing they gave us the blankets, because for some reason they BLAST the air conditioning in the bunk bed barracks at night. I’m sure there’s a smart, reasonable explanation for this. But no one as yet has been able to provide me with one. Maybe it’s so you appreciate the funky blankets. I simply accepted it as another part of my small sacrifice to entertain the people who make the big sacrifice.

The most challenging part of the bunk bed experience for me was that I was still on U.S. time. After falling asleep the minute my head hit the pillow, I woke up three hours later and was immediately and irreversibly wide awake (and yet somehow exhausted). I had to spend the next six hours listening to a chorus of snoring soldiers.

But please don’t misunderstand. Although it was a long night, I embrace it as a small sense of what it must be like for the servicemen and women I am entertaining. On the flight over I was actually wondering if I could be a soldier. I mean, why not? I like to exercise. I keep my hair short, and I wake up early. What else is there?

Obviously there’s a lot more-such as routinely sleeping in ice cold barracks. One night in that bunk bed was all I needed to realize that I’m far more suited to complain about things than to endure them. I’m like one of those actors who plays a doctor or a cop on TV for twenty years, and somehow thinks he knows the job. But all he knows is how to look the part. The real healing and crime fighting can only be done by the professionals.
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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com

Hello, friends and readers! My name is Jeremy Greenberg, and I am an author and stand-up comedian. Some of you may already be familiar with me, as I have done several blogs about my travels and experiences entertaining the troops in the Middle East.

I again welcome you to join me on my two week journey through Kuwait and Iraq. I will be providing hearty helpings of hilarity, along with thoughtful observations of all I see. And I want to say that I feel particularly honored to be doing this trip leading into the Christmas holiday. No one wants to spend the holidays in a place where you’ve got to drink so much bottled water. I hope this blog makes you feel closer to home.

And let’s start with one of the challenges on the home front: the TSA (Transportation Security Administration). My journey began in the San Diego airport. My first flight will take me to Washington, D.C., and the second flight will bring me into Kuwait.

Like suggested for international travelers, I arrived three hours before my flight is scheduled to depart. However, I’ve become convinced that this suggestion must’ve come from Starbucks. I am always through security in twenty minutes, and then proceed to spend upwards of twenty dollars on coffee concoctions. But if I was a soldier travelling with my gear, I might arrive at the airport with four hours to spare, just to make sure I had extra time to be harassed for having to travel with unique gear.

Living in San Diego, home of Camp Pendleton, it’s safe to assume that any young person in camouflage pants and a high-n-tight haircut is a Marine. Yes, civilians can buy camouflage pants and get high-n-tight haircuts. But the chances of both of those things happening to someone on purpose are very rare. And in California, this can even be more widely assumed, as it seems that every other person under thirty has piercings and a haircut that screams, “The coffee shop I work at has a liberal dress code.”

The guy behind me in the security line was definitely a soldier. He had a small, shockproof case, and two other garment bags. As he bent down to put the shockproof case in the other bag, and therefore satisfy the two-carryon-bags rule, the TSA employee saw him, and insisted he leave the line to check one of the bags.

Now, I know the TSA have tough jobs. I don’t think they want to harass travelers any more than we want to be harassed. But maybe in this situation she should’ve noticed that yes, the case will clearly fit in one of the bags. The employee kept parroting, “Two carry-on only please.” The soldier was clearly annoyed. But he was also polite and professional.

The TSA employee said, “Sir. You need to go check one of those bags.” And the soldier, trained to think, adapt and improvise, replied, “Okay.” He got out of line (fortunately he it wasn’t too big of a line yet), waited ’till the TSA employee found a new target, and then shoved the shockproof case into one of his bags. He got back in line. Problem solved.

And just twenty short hours later, we arrived at Camp Arifjan, Kuwait. Now it’s time to sleep, and prepare for tomorrow’s show.
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Jeremy Greenberg is an internationally headlining stand-up comedian, author, blogger, and joke writer. He has appeared on numerous national TV and radio shows, and has done five overseas tours to perform for our troops. Jeremy has also been a contributing joke writer for The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Jokes (Alpha/Penguin), and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. And if that weren’t enough, he’s also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel), Sorry I Peed on You (And other heartwarming letters to Mommy) (Andrews McMeel, spring 2011), Man Words: Real Words for Real Men (Adams Media, summer 2011), and Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe (And other heartwarming letters from doggy) (Andrews McMeel, fall 2011). When Jeremy is not performing or writing, he is at home in San Diego demonstrating alpha-male behavior to his twin, two-year-old sons—mostly by saying “Whatever” and leaving the room every time his wife says that he’s incorrectly loaded the dishwasher. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com