Wandering Wahls

With three kids ages 10, 13 and 15, parenting issues are a great interest to me. So, I thought I’d pass along my observations on a trend I’ve been reading a lot about lately (and experiencing it sometimes as a university faculty member).

It appears that American parents have a tendency to hover over their kids – so much so that we’ve now got a term for it: a helicopter parent. From sports to academics, parents can get a bit too involved in their kids’ activities instead of letting the little ones do their own thing. There was a Tank McNamara cartoon that showed a group of kids telling their parents that the kids were going to the park to play baseball on their own. The parents are responding with accolades about the kids finally playing by themselves, free of coaches and parents, how good this will be for them, and telling the kids to have a good time. In the next panel, the parents are shown running to the park with worried expressions and bringing snacks, equipment, first aid kits, etc.

I thought of this cartoon when we lived in Germany. At soccer tournaments, the American team would always have a mom would bring out snacks and juice boxes after a game while the kids on the German teams were left to their own accord to run the snack stand for a brat or French fries (I usually beat them to it though).

The hovering topic came to mind again when I ran across a test to determine if one is indeed a helicopter parent.

Here is the quiz if you’re curious about your hovering habits.

After taking the quiz though, I think a little hovering is okay. For instance, one question asks about a science project and if the parent does the project; helps out; or, does nothing because it’s the kid’s project, not the parent’s. Frankly, I don’t see a problem with helping out. Mary Claire and I help our kids with their projects. Mind you, we don’t do the work for them (the math and science are above me anyway). But, if we see a mistake, we’ll tell them to review the problem. Or, we get asked to quiz them on their study guides. Or, we’ll just do our work along with them.

My dad would have checked off the last option for the question. I grew up in the 70s, and my dad would come home from his job as Branch Manager for an insurance company; have me turn on TV while he changed (it remained on all night – even through dinner: maybe this is why I don’t like television); have me make his Martini; then settle into the Lazy-Boy recliner for the evening (in that era, businessmen did not bring work home). If I wasn’t hanging out with Jim Salveson or Guy Drake in front of the house (that was really productive), I would go off to do my homework by myself. I guess one would call my dad a recliner parent.

However, as a parent now, the recliner parent seems as bad a choice as helicoptering. I enjoy knowing what my kids are studying, as well as reinforcing to them that knowledge and good grades are like, you know, good things (especially if they desire to attend an expensive college where they’ll need a scholarship).

So, we parents should pick a spot between being a helicopter parent and a recliner parent. Some involvement isn’t bad – we remain involved so that kids come to us for answers, and kids will still learn to be self-reliant. Maybe I’m a Harrier jet parent – I can hover and check things out, then land like a helicopter if I want to. Plus, those Harriers are pretty cool machines.

P.S. Take the quiz and let me know where you rate – do you helicopter or not?

Oh, those crazy college kids – putting a bikini top on the centaur. I wonder how many of them can fit in a phone booth. Oops, that’s so 20th century – there are no more phone booths. Ok, how many can crowd around a cell phone?

In any event, it is finals week here and I’ve spent a few hours listening to oral presentations. Based on those presentations and our conversations, I’ve been able corral the few words that seem to take up at least half of their conversation.

I know, you’re like…really?! Well yeah, I’m like so serious.

The students tell me: we’re like going to, like, rock this presentation: Best.Presentation.Ever.

But, they tell me of a phone call from their partner who is, like, sick and, like, can’t make the presentation today (I want to ask if he is actually sick or just like sick). One student puts her hand to the side of her head, and points her thumb to her ear and her pinkie to her mouth as she replays the conversation: “I’m like…seriously. Hello, our grade like depends on this!”

I’m appreciative of the visual – I wouldn’t have remembered this was a phone call. But, I’m reassured that all is good, because the other two are, you know, like ready to present. Dude.

At this point, I’m like…whatever.

Good Friday and Easter weekend have taken on new meaning to us. Of course, as Catholics, we still appreciate the meaning of Easter and the idea of long church services. But now that we have added Marcus (our Weimaraner and Lab mix) as part of our extended family, he has been trying to ensure we remember him on this holy weekend.

It was a year ago that he unknowingly ate a rag and walked off to the scrub oak in our backyard. Luckily Mary Claire noticed what he was doing and we took him to the Doggie ER. A house payment later (after x-rays, medicine, and a weekend overnight stay) we had him back, along with the sock he ate.

Forward to Easter weekend 2012, and give Marcus credit for remembering this special time of year.

On Saturday we discovered 30 protein and energy bars missing from their container. The only evidence we had of the perpetrator was a muddy paw print on the ledge where we stored the items. So, another Easter weekend – another call to the doggie ER.

They urged us to bring him in because of the toxicity of chocolate and the higher rates for weekend care (I added that last part). The vet did find a wrapper and so they kept him overnight and made sure he was comfortable (we really didn’t want him to be comfortable, we wanted Marcus to feel a little of the pain of his escapade).

Fortunately though, after the last house payment to the vet, we bought insurance. We’ll be covered this time. We’re only out the cost of 30 protein and energy bars. Which in itself is kind of ironic. We feed Marcus only 2 times a day or else his weight will balloon. The protein bars were meant to add weight, but not to Marcus – Joe needs them. He has spurted 6 inches in a year and his weight is far behind. We are giving him protein bars so he can add some weight and some muscle with his track and field training.

I can only wait for next Easter to see what he brings us then.

As a dependent spouse (Ret.), I can empathize with military trailing spouses’ efforts to find work as she or he travels the world (yes, there are “he’s” out there among military spouses – we, the forgotten few). Also, I have taught career and résumé counseling in my college classes and at bases, so I have a particular interest in this topic and like to help others when I can. In that vein, I have come across a few interesting career related topics that I thought I would share with military spouses.

First, more employers are not considering your Facebook and social media life “private”. Some are asking for your username and password as part of the interview process.

Per Corinne Geller of the Virginia State Police, it works like this:

“You sign a waiver, then there’s a laptop and you go to these sites and your interviewer reviews your information. It’s a virtual character check as much as the rest of the process is a physical background check.”

(This practice even extends to college athletes: at the U of North Carolina, Tar Heel athletes have to allow a coach or administrative official to be a Facebook friend.)

The lesson here to job seekers is to clean up your Facebook page. And even if your interviewers aren’t asking for your password, employers will still be searching interviewers’ Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, etc. accounts. Therefore, make sure these sites look professional. Come on, be honest – nobody really wants to see photos of you and a beer bong, you are an adult now after all.

Second, there was a news report on NPR about the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan designating a new employee as the Social Media Manager. His job will be to implement and use social media to increase business and viewers to their website. What is fascinating about this is that if an established hotel like The Plaza is just creating this position, then social media for professional communications is still a burgeoning industry. I can also attest to this. I teach the topic in my college classes and the students do social media work for clients from the community. These clients are anxious to implement social media and are looking for help.

So then you mil spouses: hop on and take advantage of this opportunity – become a social media expert. The talent is portable, can be done at home, and is easily learned on your own because the lessons are all over Internet (sites such as Mashable, ReadWriteWeb, or free seminars at HubSpot).

However, don’t think because you use Facebook to post junior’s soccer game results that this means you are a social media expert. Social media for professional communications is a whole different ball game (no pun intended).

Finally, people are driving across state lines to buy lottery tickets for the $500,000,000 Power Ball. Now, I just hope we don’t have job seeking readers spending time and money on this folly but not taking the time to attend a job fair, such as the ones MOAA offers. Save some money and set aside time – and go to an MOAA career fair. You’ll make contacts, get advice, and network. All of which make a MOAA job fair a better gamble toward money in your pocket than buying a lottery ticket.

I am venturing into new territory in my nursing career. After 22 years active duty in the USAF Nurse Corps, I have entered the strange world of academia. The idea was actually my husband’s, who is teaching at the same school (University of Colorado, Colorado Springs.)

After perusing their web site I found a familiar face of an instructor. This was a nurse I was stationed with at Travis AFB when we were 2LTs (yes, a long time ago!). She encouraged me to apply to be a clinical instructor (take the student nurses into the hospital for their clinical rotations), and now I’m in my second semester.

I’m enjoying teaching—mostly because the subject matter is my passion—OB nursing. But I am also finding it a joy to be a mentor for these young nurses. I have had 4 students ask me about nursing in the Air Force. (Two have already signed on the dotted line.) I’d like to think their interest was sparked from the stories in my lectures about my long and diverse nursing career, the overseas tours, the adventures of moving to new places and meeting new people, the opportunity to excel as a nurse while also excelling as a leader and an officer.

It might also have been sparked by the current recruitment bonus of up to $20K as well as a loan repayment program! (All I got from my recruiter was a pizza – that I had to share!)

Either way, I am proud to tell them my stories and to refer them to the local recruiter. I am a bit cautious about not glorifying life in the military. After all, it really is a different Air Force now than when I was commissioned in 1986. But I see the same excitement in their eyes as when I was about to graduate and become an officer. They have a thirst for learning, and an eagerness to explore new territories in their careers and their lives. I feel good that these new nurses might be taking care of me or one of my family members some day. I wish them all the best.

Now, do I get a recruitment bonus!?

Given the social media age we’re in, I look at Facebook and Twitter for news and updates, and as such I am linked to the MOAA pages. On Facebook there is MOAA Spouse and MOAA. These are two great sites that provide military families news, stories, humorous asides, and useful information.

Did you know that MOAA offered college bound kids education assistance? Neither did I. I’ve bookmarked their webpage for 3 years from now!

One of the more interesting items, though, was a news clip on Sec. Panetta’s feelings that military members are a bunch of sheep not allowed to have personal thoughts on the Pentagon’s decisions.

Okay, he wasn’t inferring that exact message, though it sure could be construed as sounding like it:

“…he defended hiking fees for health care benefits and copayments for prescription drugs as a way to cut defense spending and said he expected the military would accept the changes. ‘They go when they are told to go and do what they are supposed to do.’”

I find that a really pompous statement, to be honest. (Doesn’t it sound like he’s talking about a flock of sheep though?) And what I find especially irritating is that he has no concession that the government is breaking a promise (not doing what they’re supposed to do???) or that these hikes will have a financial impact on retired families budgets. At least he could be conciliatory and frame his defense around a message that acknowledges retirees being asked to do something above and beyond what was promised or expected. Instead, he comes off as a typical D.C. policy wonk who has no actual idea of the lives of military families.

So, where does that lead this conversation?

Military servicememembers, friends and family – go and use MOAA’s messaging system to let your legislators know that you’d like them to oppose the unfair Tricare hikes and that they will impact your finances.

Man, February is full of surprises!

First, we get an extra day of the year from out of nowhere. I’ve always thought that the 29th should be a holiday every four years. We could use it to make up for all those lost minutes during the year: waiting at red lights, waiting at the gas pump, looking around the commissary for someone to answer a question (we might need two extra days a year for that one).

The second surprise was as unique as an extra day of the year. I gave a Valentine’s Day present to my wife. That wasn’t the surprise. The surprise was that I got nothing this Valentine’s Day – a first for all married men. But, given that she is still many years ahead of me in gift giving, I really can’t gloat.

The final surprise was seeing my 13 year-old daughter in a formal dress for her middle school dance. I knew she was going to the school’s Winter Dance and that it included a dinner. But who was this lovely child in the pretty dress?

She’s growing up and not telling me. Where was the update memo? At least though, she and her girl friends still dance among themselves and treat the dance as a chance to get together – and not a place to meet boys (that can come later, unless the convent calls first).

There was one more final surprise: a Hummer limo at a middle school dance. What are parents thinking? It’s just middle school. And where does the parental extravagance go from here – a helicopter flight to the Senior Prom?

Maybe I’m too much of a curmudgeon and tightwad.

Well, the results are in and it looks like servicemembers are losing in the battle of cutting military costs. The latest result has the Pentagon hiking enrollment fees and prescription co-payments for retirees and family members.

The proposed increases will drastically affect military families under 65. Families like ours could see a jump from $520 per family to $2,048. Granted, we have a great deal. No doubt about it. But, most retirees and their families, including ours, have planned retirement based on finances that included a healthcare plan promised to members completing 20 plus years of dedicated service – service that, I might add, entailed members maintaining their promises in return for benefits like these.

I don’t think the Pentagon and policy wonks in D.C. realize that increases like those proposed are going to throw a wrench into many family’s financial budgets. Some military members have deservedly used retirement to scale back, take a less demanding job, and spend more time with family (or make up time might be a better way to put that) – all based on promised plans such as health care and retirement (not every member is wallowing in a cushy 6-figure job after service to the government – maybe the policy makers are confusing military members with former Congressional members or current Presidential candidates).

Another possible aspect of the proposed hikes is that the fees will be tiered, based on the retired members’ pay. As MOAA President, Vice Admiral Norb Ryan, Jr. USN-Ret. Points out:

“No retired President, Secretary of Defense, member of Congress, or any other federal retiree pays means-tested health fees.”

I’d love to see Congress debate means-testing their health care costs – put that right next to them delaying a raise on the debate agenda.

There is a way for you to help. Take action!

Use MOAA’s messaging system to let your legislators know that you’d like them to oppose disproportionally putting costs on the backs of military beneficiaries.

I’ll end by quoting a member’s post about this topic on MOAA’s Facebook page:

“…less than one percent have been willing to serve and truly defend this great Nation. They are a special breed that deserves special treatment and a Government that honors its commitments.”

Here’s a cultural item that really irks me: media pigeonholes kids as the same, especially in ads. I just heard an ad where the voice asks “what is your tween actually hearing when you speak to her?” and in the background is the sound of a text being typed (a rather long text too). The question is asked again and we hear more texting. I lost the point of the ad here because we don’t have this problem, nor do our friends. But I think the ad wants parents to be hip with their kids and text to them. This reminded me of when I was a teenager and my mom asked if I wanted to “rap.” Come on mom – my friends and I don’t even use that word. But, she saw it on TV as a typical kid word.

I just wish our media would stop trying to present all kids as super cool, hats worn backwards, Justin Beiber haircuts, super smart with technology (I teach college freshmen and I can assure you they aren’t all tech savvy), and with parents who cave to every whim.

My 13 year old doesn’t have a cell phone, nor do her friends. And they all look at my wife and I when we talk to them. Further my kids don’t listen to Justin and do appreciate music from Adele to Tom Petty to the Beatles. Okay, I did influence them with Tom Petty. But I had to – he’s an American icon!

TV shows and movies are even worse – all kids seem precocious and smart mouthed. But I don’t want to go there.

Speaking of music, I’ll end with a humorous story about my oldest son. now, he’s doing great in high school – debate, Freshman VP, grades, soccer; well rounded. And he works to get good grades and do well. But it is funny to me as I wake him each morning at 6am. His alarm is blaring but he isn’t up. The song he has chosen to play each morning is the Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up.” I guess Mick and crew just can’t get Joe started (as opposed to a cold shot of water – he he he).

I woke up today to be hit with two things. First, IT IS SNOWING! We have a blizzard here in Colorado. School is cancelled, my son’s debate tournament in Denver is cancelled – about the only thing not cancelled is me having to plow the snow.

The other item that hit me is our cultural icon: sports! We’ve got the local papers highlighting Tim Tebow at the Super Bowl (not playing of course). We also had a big section in the local sports page about National Signing Day, where high school athletes announce what college they’ll be attending to play their sport.

Now, we’ve been in the States for a while, but one aspect of Americana that continues to smack me is our emphasis on sports. I am always amazed and intrigued by it because it is much greater than I remember either from my high school days or when we first went overseas.

As I read the adulation toward the high school athletes who got scholarships, I feel good for them. One local athlete goes to my son’s high school and he got a full ride to Bradley for soccer. This boy is a heck of a kid! Mature, personable, smart – he deserves all he got.

On the other hand, I realize we never read of the non-athletes who are getting scholarships – the kids who pull a strong GPA, make Eagle Scout, do extra-curricular activities: all toward trying to have as many college options as possible. It would be nice if the local paper celebrated these kids as well as the athletes.

Reading and knowing about students who earned non-athletic, tuition-free college rides would be inspirational to most parents and students since most kids aren’t going to get an athletic scholarship. Plus, it would help parents and students understand what they need to do to get scholarships or grants.

But, the nature of sports may be too ingrained for this to happen. Sports tend to override non-athletic interests. For example, the local university gave a football scholarship to a kid who was just kicked out of his high school for months of racist and sexually overt tweets.

I guess he’d never heard of that adage: if you can’t say it at the dinner table, don’t say it. These tweets were really bad – I don’t even want to link to them (one has to wonder though – where were the parents and how did the kid come to think that these comments were okay?).

However, to the coach’s credit, he did justify the scholarship offer because as an African-American he feels compelled to be a mentor to African-American youths and give the kids proper guidance. I grant him that, and think that is very admirable. However, the cynic in me wonders what mentoring would have happened if the kid wasn’t a blue-ship recruit or an athlete at all.

I also thought about our culture’s sports emphasis when I struck up a conversation with another dad the other day. In the course of friendly “dad” type conversation, I asked if his kid played soccer. His blunt reply was, “He plays competitive club.” Oh, okay – I didn’t ask about that aspect exactly, but he felt compelled to let me know. So then, along these lines (I’ve asked both my readers this before, but I’ll do so again):

In our culture would it be acceptable for parents to be equally open about their kids academic achievements, such as being in Junior Honor Society or getting 4.0 as our society is about youth athletic accomplishments?

I’m intrigued by this question as my kids get older and are participating in athletic and academic activities.

Now I have to go figure out whether to root for Eli Brady or Tom Manning. Hold it, did I get that right? When is the game anyway?